Follow these time-tested tips to make the most of your Holiday Season!
1. Booze, lots of booze. Alcohol is an absolute necessity for holiday enjoyment. Pick your poison, be it wine, beer, or liquor. Keep drinking until you’re as merry as Saint Nick himself.
Pro tip: Spike the eggnog.
2. Hold your mail. Nothing good comes in the mail, it’s all circulars pimping holiday sales and cards full of pictures of other people’s kids. Put a 20-day hold on your mail starting now. This way you can recycle all of that annoying holiday mail at once when it gets delivered. Who has room on their fridge for all that crap anyway?
3. Stop buying gifts. Buying gifts is stressful, but receiving gifts is a delight. It’s always better to receive a gift, so just leave the stress behind this year!
4. Never host a holiday feast. Eating well is a true holiday bonus, but cooking and cleaning up are just plain drudgery. Be sure to get yourself an invite to a holiday party or two so that you can have a great meal without the hassles of preparation or cleanup.
5. Spice up the conversation. We all know that family gatherings can be boring, spice things up by beginning a discussion on one or more hot button political issues, such as immigration or institutional racism.
Pro tip: For best results, make sure everyone enjoys plenty off booze first (see tip #1)
6. Don’t have children. It’s much, much harder to make the holidays all about you after you have little ones, so don’t do it. Who wants to put up with holiday tantrums and pictures with Santa Claus?
Pro tip: If you’ve already had children, just drink a lot more booze…
7. Avoid awkward questions. It’s inevitable, at every family holiday party some well-meaning relative will ask you an wkward question, like: “When are you getting married?” or “When are you having kids?” or “When are you going to meet a nice boy/girl and settle down?” Avoid answering these questions by telling nosy family members to “F&%k Off”!
Pro tip: Try adding the phrase, ‘Happy Holidays’. ex. “Happy Holidays, F&^k Off!”
8. Avoid religious services. The Holidays are all about over indulgence; seeking a higher spiritual purpose is just asking for trouble. Besides, you’ll likely need extra time to sleep off all of the booze you’ve been drinking (tip #1).